Post-Adoption Updates

As you can imagine, each adoption brings with it a unique set of circumstances that can affect children and families in various ways.  We'd like to share openly here about the challenges we've experienced, in the hopes that we can help someone else along the way.  We are so grateful for our adopted daughters--despite the challenges, we would gladly do it again--just because something's hard doesn't mean we shouldn't do it!

2 Timothy 1:7--"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline."

Strabismus

K had eye surgery in June 2001 for her *very obvious* case of strabismus (crossed eyes).  Since we had gone through this identical surgery (same surgeon) 3 years earlier with M, we felt very comfortable with the procedure.  Her eyes are *perfect* now, and it is even likely that she won't require glasses, since her vision is so good.  If she had stayed in Romania, the chances are she would have been institutionalized for life since with crossed eyes and lack of educational funding, it is almost impossible for a child there to learn if they have strabismus.  We were very saddened to see on 20/20 a 20-year-old girl who has been in institutions her entire life because of this easily correctable condition.

Flat Head

E's head is very flat at the back, likely due to the fact that she was not picked up or moved for the first 6 months of her life.  In fact, under almost identical circumstances, it's surprising that K ended up with a roundish head.  We had E evaluated by a neurosurgeon upon her arrival here, and he said that although her head will never perfectly round out, her brain development is normal, and has not been impaired in any way.  Praise God for her full head of curly hair!  By the way, her head shape is improving little by little, and is only noticeable now when her hair is wet, and then only if you know what you're looking for.

Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)--what's this?

Although we have not had "professional" diagnosis in this case, we are certain that the symptoms of this disorder describe accurately what we have experienced with E, and to a lesser extent, with K.  We started figuring this out when the girls had been home 7 months.  Statistically speaking, children adopted at > 12 months of age are at high risk for attachment issues.  Our girls were 13 months old at the time we brought them home.  K's symptoms are fewer, but she tends to hold her feelings inside, so is more passive-aggressive about the way she expresses them.  E expresses her feelings in either a passive-aggressive or just plain aggressive manner.  Both of them were deeply wounded by neglect and possible abuse in the early part of her life.  :(  We put our hope in God in this as in every other circumstance in our lives, and firmly believe that over time, through prayer, Jesus will heal E's & K's hearts, and they will be able to give and receive love as God intends.  Note: we've seen many improvements over the course of months, and we are slowly but surely seeing healing in this area.  It's been the most difficult experience of our lives, but so worth it!  It's taught us more about God's love and endurance with us than anything we could have ever imagined :)

Examples of symptoms that might signify RAD in a child (there are other possible explanations, if just a few symptoms are present):

There are many other symptoms, but these are the ones we've experienced personally.  Obviously methods used with normally-attached children do not work with children lacking attachment.  e.g. time-out is futile, because the non-attached child wants to be left alone.  There are many ways to help children into attachment, the most important one being "holding time."  We have found this to be a wonderful way to help with attachment, and are still using it daily with the girls (for 1/2 to 3 hours per day).  While physically and emotionally exhausting, the process of loving them to life is *so* worth it!!!  We are looking towards the goal, rather than the present circumstances, to see them as attached, healed, and whole, and able to form other meaningful relationships, with God and others!  After a few months of this, we also added sleeping with the girls--tried doing them both at once a few times--not a good idea (Paul & I got NO sleep LOL).  So I alternate one girl a night, unless I am extremely sleep-deprived, which is a couple of times a week :)  I usually sleep well with K, since she sleeps like a rock, but with E it's a different story (little miss wiggles).

Here's another great site on RAD--although it focuses on children adopted from China, the info is applicable to any child with attachment issues.

BTW, we occasionally affectionately refer to K & E as "our little RADishes".  They sure are cute little veggies!

Update at 1 year home: the RAD symptoms have decreased, but there are still recurring issues on many of them.  There seems to be a cyclical nature to these things--2 steps forward, 1 step back, 2 steps forward, 2 steps back, etc.--learning to trust can take a very long time :)  Some days the symptoms seem to have evaporated; other days the symptoms are there in full force.  Seems to go from one extreme to the other (even in a matter of seconds).

Update at 2 years home: E is so improved that most days it is hard to tell she ever struggled with this.  However, if she is really tired, she will begin to disconnect.  Since she is much more verbal now, we can draw her back in most of the time.  I can't say we've "arrived", but she is making steady progress month by month.  I still shield her from most other adults, in order to teach her little by little how to determine who to trust and how much (RAD children tend to trust everyone fully, and can't distinguish between intimate and stranger relationships).  K has not demonstrated RAD behavior to the same degree, but nevertheless has many of the symptoms, mostly masked.  She is starting to deal with her issues more, and we expect the process to continue for some time yet.

Developmental Evaluation

As part of the "Americans with Disabilities Act," every child under the age of 3 is eligible for free evaluation and treatment of any developmental delays.  In our area, the program that covers this is "Babies Can't Wait."  We had the girls evaluated when they had been home for 9 months, and are so grateful to have these early intervention resources available.  E was diagnosed with speech delays, and is being monitored for cognitive and gross motor delays.  K passed (barely on speech)--her other areas of development physically are right on track.

Update at 2 years home: Both girls are right on track in every way, and are probably advanced in many areas, due to having four older siblings!  K is especially well-developed physically for a 3-year-old, and would give most 5-year-olds a run for their money.  E's speech is phenomenal--she gets all her pronouns correct, even, and strings sentences together like a pro!  K's vocabulary is more advanced, but her speech is not as clear as E's.  We believe this is due to oral sensory issues--her tongue is especially sensitive to any kind of touch, including her own palette.

Speech Therapy

Esther has been having speech therapy at our home since the developmental evaluation, initially twice a week, cut back to once a week, because her speech is really taking off now!  She is likely in the "normal" range now, but her other issues make it very hard to tell sometimes.  All the issues are incredibly interlinked, and her need to be in control makes it difficult for our wonderful speech therapist, Miss Cindy, to get many responses from her (or K, for that matter, who always joins in!)  In fact, Cindy tried to test E out of the program, but E wouldn't co-operate one bit that day, so that was that :)

Update: after 5 months, E graduated from speech therapy.  Although she tested barely in the normal range, the speech therapist agreed with us that it was better for her to discontinue because her progress was so encouraging, and her attachment issues would improve with fewer adults in her life.

E had a Major Breakthrough!

After being home 10 months, E had a major breakthrough over a period of a week: three main things stand out in my mind--she started coming to me for comfort (this was HUGE--previously she would hit herself on the head, or ignore any hurts); she started asking for things (previously she would ignore her own needs); and she started imitating words (this of course jumpstarted her speech).  Yay God--we were really beginning to wonder if these things would *ever* happen!!

Sensory Integration Disorder / Dysfunction (SI)

We are starting to learn about this, too (girls have been home 12 months) . . . our initial thoughts are that K is hyper-responsive to sensations, and E is hypo-responsive (under-responsive) to sensations.  Both of these reactions affect virtually every area of their lives.  Here's a brief excerpt from a wonderful Sensory Integration website.

If they are oversensitive to touch sensations (tactile defensiveness), they will avoid touching and being touched and will shy away from messy play, physical contact with others, pets, certain textures of fabric, many foods, bumpy sock seams, etc. On the other hand, if they are under-responsive to touch sensations, they'll crave touching and being touched. These children will be fingerpainting their arms, stuffing their mouths with too much food, shouting indoors, turning up the volume and bumping and crashing into people and furniture.

We're waiting for an Occupational Therapist to evaluate E via the Babies Can't Wait program.

(update) We had the evaluation, but decided not to go with therapy, primarily because the therapy involved copious quantities of time doing artificial-type activities, which just didn't seem possible for anyone with more than one child!

(6 months later) That was a good decision, because the natural activities that we work into our day have done wonders for E's sensory issues.  She is much improved, and we expect the upward trend to continue as she gains trust and confidence.

Sleepless in Atlanta

Bless her heart, but poor E just simply did not sleep for the first 18 months we had her home!  She was filled with anxiety about so many things--hypervigilant, so sleeping did not come easily to her.  Sleeping with E was like sleeping with a tornado (actually, a talking tornado--very sweet, but I didn't get much sleep either).  After trying everything imaginable, as a last resort we turned to a narcotic sleep aid.  We wished we'd done it sooner--after only 6 weeks with the artificially-induced deep sleep, her body kicked in, and she now sleeps like the proverbial baby most nights, and even snores!  This is the child that at any time of the night would be found wide awake and often wandering dangerously around (or outside) the house.

Anything else you want to know about?

Email me and I'd love to chat with you about it :)

We're on this long

journey together