Broken

Yesterday was my thirteenth day on the Camino. On my tenth day, I realized maybe more deeply than I have before how broken I am. My body wasn’t functioning as well as usual; my mind was full of varied thoughts, some completely irrational … but no matter how broken I am, God is good! Cascade and I have come to the conclusion that you can probably walk for a week on sheer willpower, but you have to be a little crazy to walk more than that. At times everything in you wants to give up. And quite a few have called it quits, bringing their Camino to an end while crossing the mind-numbing meseta or leaving in Leon.

For this blog entry, I want to give you a glimpse into a day in the life of longer-haul peregrinos (pilgrims) like Cascade and me (as unathletic as I have always been, I do feel like I’ve been swept into some kind of extreme sport where a 20km walk is generally thought to be a very easy day and it’s not really hard unless you walk more than 30km) … and then share some songs and actual thoughts of my pilgrimage.

6:00 wake up, get ready with minimum of noise since we share a room with 8 to 30 people

6:30 out the door, start walking the 25-30km for the day, eat banana and granola bar

8:00 cafe con leche + chocolate croissant

10:00 orange juice + potato / egg / spinach tortilla … second breakfast because we are hobbits 🙂

12:00 lunch … huge bocadillo (sandwich) with ham and cheese and tomato if I’m lucky

1:00 snack on cookies or apples as we walk

2:30 struggle for the last 5km, register at albergue (hostel), collapse on bed

3:00 shower, hand wash the smelliest clothes, hang out on line and hope to remember later on

4:00 rest, eat chocolate, tend to blisters

5:00 as feet regain feeling again, explore town, eat ice cream

7:00 either cook our own meal or eat pilgrim menu dinner, three courses, huge meal always served with water and wine

8:00 prepare backpack for tomorrow’s walk, visit with other pilgrims

9:30 collapse into sound sleep

In spite of constantly eating, we are always hungry and have probably lost weight. A couple of days ago we prepared a Mexican fiesta for a small group of friends in a tiny town with one tiny store that only opened after siesta … lovely adventure in hospitality along the way!

Here are the songs that have meant the most to me on the Camino … these have each played for many hours not on a device but in my head during the long periods of solitude while walking …

At my lowest points, this song has meant so much to me as a prayer to God to give me strength for the moment, for the next step, for the next breath, to help me … He knows just what I need, I can trust Him to be my strength.

Psalm 28:7 (NLT) – “7The LORD is my strength and shield.

I trust him with all my heart.

He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy.

I burst out in songs of thanksgiving.”

“If I fall over from exhaustion into this ditch, I wonder if anyone will ever find my body?“

I have always loved this song, since I first heard it in my teen years. It’s informed the way I’ve tried to parent. Now my kids are all launching into their next steps. One thing the Camino does for you, if you let it, is to give you massive amounts of time and space for solitude. Which leads to, if you let it, facing your deepest fears. Mine invariably involve my children …

“Have I been present enough for each of my children? Do I trust you, God, the only One who can be and is fully present with them, with the course of each of their lives?“

This prayer has nurtured my soul over the years, but never so much when pain in my leg was spiking with 17km to the next town. There’s nothing like praying for Christ to make His presence known to everyone you encounter to get your mind off of your own troubles.

“Lord, please let me share the love of Jesus Christ with each person, each albergue, each town … wash over their hearts and flood their souls with your great love“

OK, we walked for days and days across the meseta, the Spanish plain, and did not see a single drop of rain. Of course the moment we walked away from the plain into the hills, it poured and we got to wear our fun-colored ponchos 🙂 But it was fun to belt this out on the plain and hope for some cooling rain!

“I hope I haven’t taken too many swigs of water and gotten my electrolytes out of whack again …“

(Cascade has walked over 535km now; I have come 350km and now have to rest for 4-5 days due to severe tendinitis in my right leg … I will let you know next time how my rest days went!)

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