Lie #12 – Shame Is the Best Motivator
from Helena Sorensen Aman:
Lie #12: “Shame is the best motivator.”
I remember where I was standing (left front pew of Victory Baptist Church, Valrico, Florida, circa 1997) when I learned that some churches were using hymnals that altered the lyrics of “At the Cross,” exchanging the phrase “such a worm as I” for the far less potent “sinners such as I.” I was appalled. At the time I believed that regular, heaping doses of shame were what kept people in line and what kept them grateful for the love that no human being (except Jesus) has ever deserved. Either God loved us because he was fondly delusional (and thus, apparently, unable to see clearly or judge rightly) or because he was determined to save everything, no matter how repugnant (thus, loving against his will or his nature). I have since held my newborn child in my arms and understood what it is to love someone—no matter how small and barely formed, no matter how great their demands, no matter how little they have to offer—simply because they exist. And I have since learned that though shame *does* motivate, it does so by fracturing. Let’s say you grew up in a fundamentalist church where you encountered the idea that you had to choose between spirituality and sexuality. Into this scenario, add the messages that “sexuality is dangerous” and “I am untrustworthy.” If sex is dangerous and the body is corrupt, then it’s clear that you have to choose spirituality. Now add the message that “change is instantaneous” and you can start working toward a moment of faith or repentance that fixes everything, delivering you from carnal desire. It doesn’t matter that this is part of your humanity. It’s an affront to God. Besides, you know that relationship with God “ought to hurt,” so you begin to separate the parts of yourself that are acceptable to God from those that aren’t. There is no consideration of wholeness here. The shameful things that cannot be eradicated must be hidden, and before long you’re lying to yourself and everyone else, pretending that the You you present to the world is the whole picture. Sound familiar?
