Holy Indifference

I think this week God is teaching me a lesson in holy indifference.I first learned this phrase during my spiritual direction training; God breathed it into my mind yesterday as we sang “Oceans” during our church worship service. St. Ignatius of Loyola describes holy indifference as a complete indifference with regard to all created things, not preferring health to sickness, riches to poverty, honor to humiliation, long life to a short one, wishing only for those conditions that will lead to God’s deepening His life in us.

I’m going somewhere with this . . . Let me back up three years and explain.

Cascade joined me in previewing a bunch of movies for our monthly movie night three years ago. A few of them changed our lives significantly. Back then I had never even heard of the Camino de Santiago de Compostela (“The Way of St. James”), a Christian pilgrimage route walked by thousands of pilgrims for many centuries, often as a retreat for spiritual growth. When we saw Emilio Estevez and his father Martin Sheen’s excellent film, The Way, a dream was birthed in each of our hearts to one day walk the Camino.

Two years ago Cascade began to dream about walking the Camino with two of her close friends. A year ago, they began to nail down serious plans. Along the way (pun intended), Cascade invited her sisters and me to join them for the final week on the Camino. I was thrilled! We all shifted into various degrees of Camino training mode. Each of the three friends brought their beautiful strengths to the table. Cascade researched and planned masterfully and meticulously, tutored math all year in order to accumulate airfare and assorted amounts, prepared travel plans with Paul like pros, waded through thrift stores to find just the right wicking fabrics (NO COTTON!), created and conquered packing lists . . . preparations were many and varied, with each of the girls along with dads, moms, siblings, and friends contributing their wisdom, talents, time, advice, encouragement, prayers, warnings, stories . . .

May 24th finally arrived and the three families gathered at Chick-fil-a for celebration (and a happy birthday to Paul), followed by a wonderful prayer send-off between check-in and security at our international airport terminal. We waved our final goodbyes many times, thanks to the notoriously slow security lines in our city at the moment. But then they were off – the girls were on their way to The Way.

One of Cascade’s precious companions had had to alter travel arrangements a couple of months ago due to some unforeseen health issues. Others in similar circumstances may have very understandably withdrawn altogether, but this one isn’t easily daunted, so admirably signed up to walk the first 10 days.

Meanwhile, Cascade’s other precious traveling companion encountered some challenges of her own soon after embarking on the journey. Patchy cell phone access meant that it took all of us parents awhile to figure out what was going on and begin to wonder what the next steps would be. We all knew that God was looking after our girls and would help them as He always does, especially when they were too far away for us to wrap our arms around them. The details aren’t mine to share, but I can tell you this – people respond to adversity in the lives of others in so many different ways. What a joy to see and experience friends facing adversity together in love, graciousness, encouragement, coming alongside one another. Jesus wasn’t kidding when He said that when we live in unity with one another, God’s love shows through (John 17). I’m so proud of each of them – they have not only done amazing things like Crossing the Pyrenees (wow, wow, wow!) (and as of this writing already walked almost 100km with backpacks welded to their bodies) but most importantly, they have loved well.

Meanwhile, Paul and I had a dawning realization that we were faced with a dilemma: in just a couple of days’ time, our daughter would be alone in Spain. Yes, she’s been away at college for a year already. Yes, she moves seamlessly from one culture to another. Yes, she’s a strong and capable young woman. But we want to walk in wisdom (plus I have a really overactive imagination!). There was never any question of bringing Cascade home. You don’t easily douse a dream held so long and so dearly by any of your children. Maybe it was the midnight to 2am texts (6am-8am in Spain) that caused us to realize things more gradually this week, but after a couple of days we both had a huge aha, and this is where the holy indifference comes in. In the middle of the adversities our girls were encountering, my dream to walk the Camino was being expanded and God was giving me a precious gift. I was thrilled to walk the last 100km with all three of my daughters. I am thrilled to now be able to also have some extended Mummy-Cascade time for an additional 400km! Wow! Thank you, God! I leave in the wee hours of Wednesday morning, just 35 hours from now . . .

[I need to add here that in changing up our plans we spent a rather frustrating six hours on the phone with our travel agent and airline trying to find a way to alter our rather complicated travel arrangements in such a way that we could all get from A to B and back again without our younger daughters having to change planes in foreign lands way out of their experience and comfort zones. Esther, in a holy indifference journey of her own, nobly offered to come with me, which would have meant giving up a week-long mission trip with her youth group. For a couple of days, we all held our plans up before the Father, asking Him to make it clear. And He did. I’m flying to Spain this week and will cross the Atlantic twice later this month so that Esther, Karis, and I can still use our original (unchangeable) tickets! You will see the humor in God’s taking me way out of my comfort zone if you know how much I love flying, so now I get to cross the pond 4 times =o Woohoo!]

Back to yesterday morning’s song (scroll down for the full text). All the Camino books and blogs talk about feet, feet, feet . . . care for your feet, do whatever you can to avoid getting blisters, NO COTTON! As I sang this beloved song, the words washed over me and a new layer of meaning stood out – “You call me out . . . where feet may fail.”Pray for me, that my 52-year-old feet will not fail (and knees and back . . .)! But more than that, pray that as we go where God has so clearly called us, we will each live in holy indifference, holding everything before our loving heavenly Father, fully resting in His embrace. We just want to be fully present in the present in the presence of God 🙂 Life with Him is a grand adventure! Thank you for your prayers and encouragement! I hope to blog along the Way as I have opportunity . . .

“Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)”

You call me out upon the waters

The great unknown where feet may fail

And there I find You in the mystery

In oceans deep

My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters

Your sovereign hand

Will be my guide

Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me

You’ve never failed and You won’t start now

So I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior